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First off, I would like to apologize to all of our French readers for my last blog entry. It wasn’t my idea, but the head honchos at Exclaim magazine demanded bilingual content and I had no choice but to do my best to appease them.
I have been home from tour for about 20 days now, and even though that seems like a long time, you would surprised at how much has actually happened! Due to the overwhelming success of this tour blog, I have been asked to take part in the writing of a book about Canada and the world for Oxford University. I’m sure this will lead to great things, like maybe a Jägermeister endorsement or a tour blog on the Decibel Magazine web-site. Who knows…. But I do know that I’ll leave you with excerpts from my interview with Professor Patrick James taken from my upcoming book “Canada and The World”.
Oh, and how did the tour go? Who fucking cares. Only an asshole reads a tour blog to see how well or badly a tour is going.
Dr. Professor Patrick James‘ interview with Professor Dr. Topon Das – a meeting of the minds.
Professor James: Please describe yourself in the following way: Name, decade of birth (year, if you don’t mind), city and province you live in, how many years you have been there, last school degree, occupation.
Professor Das: My name is Topon Anderson Joseph Das. I was born on October 13th 1975 and have lived in Ottawa, ON for the past 8 years. I have my masters in Physics and I work at Tim Horton’s.
Professor James: What do the words ‘Canada’ and ‘Canadian’ mean to you?
Professor Das: Not much; when I see Canada I think ‘Hey! I live there.’ and when I hear Canadian, I think of French people talking about Montreal’s NHL team.
Professor James: Are there uniquely Canadian traits and/or contributions to the world?
- We did or should have invented donuts
- We play hockey because we suck at every other real sport.
- We have way too many Tim Horton’s
- We like thinking we’re special or at least not ‘Americans’
- We include ‘Eh!’ & ‘Fuck’ in every sentence.
Professor James: What are you most proud of, and most embarrassed about, respectively, as a Canadian? Please explain why in each instance. Feel free to offer people as examples of those who make you feel either way, i.e., people who embody the best or worst that the country has to offer.
Professor Das: I’m most proud of ‘Strange Brew’ & ‘Kids In The Hall’. Most embarrassed by ‘This Hour Has 22 minutes’ & ‘Royal Canadian Air Farce’. No explanation necessary. If you disagree, you are what’s wrong with Canada (or whatever country you live in).
Professor James: How do you feel about the US? What should Canada’s relationship be with that country?
Professor Das: The US has shitty places and shitty people just like Canada. I’ve had some of the best times of my life in the US and some of my worst moments in Canada. For me there’s no difference besides the obvious. People that like their country the best have never left their living room. I would love to see the border taken down, actually all borders for that matter.
Professor James: What do you think of Canada’s involvement in Afghanistan? Has this been a good or bad idea and under what conditions, if any, should it continue?
Professor Das: I don’t follow politics.
Professor James: What should Canada’s role be vis-à-vis climate change?
Professor Das: Make this country warm 12 months of the year. I don’t care what it takes.
Professor James: Does Canada have any special role to play with regard to the developing world? How about Canada and the UN?
Professor Das: I don’t follow politics. Canada should be more focused on making donut bags that don’t stick to the top of your Boston Cream; that shit fucking sucks.
Professor James: What do you think of the issue of deficit spending?
Professor Das: If I knew what it was, it would probably piss me off. I don’t follow politics.
Professor James: Please comment further on any issues that you believe have been neglected here regarding the identity of Canada and its role in the world today.
Professor Das: I think we’ve pretty much covered everything. Thank you.
Bonjour a tous nous readers francaphones. Ici ce jour cinq de notre tourne du cote de l’est pour notre Unnamed EP. Beaucoup de chose tres excitent on deja arrive a nous and je vais vous donnez le ‘low down’ sur le tourne maintnent. Ajourdui on a joue une spectacle pis ce tes le fun. On a visite une place avec beaucoup de chose neat aussi, pis Johnny a dit “Tabarnack! Il ya beacoup de chose neat ici“, sais pour ce que je sais on a u du fun en calliss. Marc est pas tres contient parce que je mais des photo de lui dans le journal de tournne, Il ma dit “Hey mon esti! Arret de metre des photo pas flatering de moi dans ton esti de journal de tourne. Ci tu arret pas je vais te challanger a une tabarnack de Blogwars!“. Sais pour ce que maintnent je suis en ‘Blogwars‘ avec Marc. Mais ne worry pas mes ami, je vais gagner and contunez de mettrer des photo awesome de lui ici dans le journal de tourne official de Fuck The Facts sur Exclaim! A la prochain!
Attention! Attention! This blog has been commandeered by I, Marc Bourgon. After multiple posts of pictures and quotes that make me look like nothing less that a blatant asshat, I have decided to steal the login and password to this Exclaim blog, hence declaring BLOGWAR on a one Topon Das. Because you can’t spell Blogwar without BLOGWAR!
This is not a joke. I have been angry and violent since day one of this tour and have yet to find an outlet as suitable as this for my tour rage.
In other news, we have all pitched in to create a musical theme for this blog. Warning: May contain rump shaking catchyness.
So far I have missed the first 3 shows of the tour since I’ve been too busy working on my tour journal. While the rest of my band has played the shows, I’ve been typing away in the van and sending draft after draft to the Exclaim! editors, only to have all my hard work brutally rejected.
They have given me a few helpful suggestions. I have been told that the kids like it when I drop some names, as it will help me gain street credibility and show that I’m ‘in tight‘ with some of the ‘bigger names‘. So I will tell you that we have been to Tim Hortons a total of 16 times so far on this tour. I have yet to meet the man in person, but I have been told that he’s a big fan of the band and will be at our Moncton show tonight. I have also been purposefully mixing up my coffee order to add some excitement to the tour. So far I have ordered a ‘double double‘, a ‘double triple‘ a ‘triple double‘, a ‘triple triple‘, a ‘triple double triple‘ (the extra triple is added to the first triple making a triple triple double, which would be more similar to a double double)
Another good thing to have a tour journal is photos with your ‘fans‘. Below is a picture taken of me with an excited fan drinking water.
I wake up sick to my stomach just thinking about the fact that I have to write a tour journal. I decide to add that to my tour journal. As usual I do my dishes in the morning, but this is no normal morning. I’m slowly mentally preparing myself for the fight of my life; a full 10 day tour in the brutal Canadian summer heat of late July and early August. No one’s that stupid, right? Well, Fuck The Facts is and we’re going to turn ‘stupid‘ into ‘success‘ by moving a few letters around, adding some new ones and taking away most of them. With my eyes closed I clench my soapy sponge and breath slowly, slower and even slower, until I can see the wolves running through the forest like a van on the highway. I am now at one with tour.
Marc and Johnny don’t live in Ottawa, so usually a few days before tour they come down and stay at my place so we can get a few last ‘practices‘ in. Johnny is sleeping on my couch and Marc is sleeping in my ‘secret‘ room. Before long those guys are awake and We’re sitting around the kitchen table discussing the upcoming tour over sips of coffee, but there’s not much time for chit chat, we need to get ready.
Writing a tour journal is a lot like getting ready for tour, and getting ready for a tour is a lot like getting ready for prom night. You can never be sure what to expect, so you need to be as prepared as possible. It’s also a lot like shooting yourself in the foot, in the way that it’s painful but it has to get done. I guess perhaps it’s more similar to major surgery or a job interview, it’s gonna get messy, but at least there’s always a doctor nearby.
Things you need to get ready for tour:
1. A Map (just one will do. Most cities are the same, so you can pretty much get by with any map.)
2. Tour Itinerary (this has all the tour info, so you’re not fucked.)
3. Merch (So later on you can tell people that don’t give a fuck, how much merch you sold)
4. Personal Garbage (2 shirts, toothbrush, extra underwear and socks. Bring more than this and you’re an asshole.)
So now that all that shit is ready, what’s next? Tell your stupid friends! I jump on the internet and start Facespamming and Myspamming and Interspamming and Goospamming and Youspamming everyone I know. ‘I’m going on tour! Bring me some cookies!’ I E-scream!
We hit the jam space for one final rehearsal before tour. Turns out we can’t actually play our songs, but we figure that’s alright since it’s ‘grindcore‘ and no one will really notice. Soon all the gear is packed up and we make a spontaneous decision to drive to Fredericton, NB tonight. Last time we were in Fredericton we had our picture taken with a Santa Claus there at the mall and we ending up becoming close friends. We spent 3 days partying at his house with these transvestite hookers that he referred to as his ‘elves’, even though most of them were over 6 feet tall. So we figure we can probably just meet up with Santa again and chill out a few hours before the show.
Blog ending version 2:
We jump in the van and hit the road. Marc is sitting in the back of the van acting angry and violent. He tells me that there’s nothing that he hates more then people that are worried and crying, and if he had it his way they would never see their families alive again.
So why write a tour journal? We already covered how boring they are for the reader and the writer, but there is one very important reason that the tour journal or ‘tour blog’ exists. It’s called ‘on-line visibility’. The chances that some people might accidentally stumble upon your tour blog and read some of it while trying to Google ways on how to avoiding reading tour journals, is pretty high. Also, it’s a great way to show people how great your shitty life is; “Looks at me, I’m on tour! I’m sitting at my computer somewhere different in the world than you. Want to know what it’s like doing pretty much the exact same thing everyday?” …No.
I wrote a tour journal before and it was horrible, if you read it, I will now take this opportunity to apologize. I was forced to stretch facts, exaggerate numbers and even flat out lie. Why? Because touring in general is painfully boring and repetitive. That doesn’t mean we don’t have fun on tour, sure we do. But I also have fun taking a shit in a toilet that has a seat and isn’t covered in every bodily fluid imaginable. That doesn’t mean I’m gonna write a blog about it, though it probably would be more interesting than the shit you are about to read.
So as a warning to those of you that wish to keep reading I will now share a few lines from this following tour journal.
“…Vil collapses and we rush over to help him up. Obviously this bridge has been cursed by some unknown force that has created a black hole in this tunnel. We realize we can’t just leave this town to suffer and must challenge this force to destroy the black hole it’s created…”
I once asked a doctor why people are so stupid. He told me to shut up. I realize now that he was the smartest man I would ever meet.
When I woke up this morning I felt sick to my stomach just thinking about how I was going to have to write a tour journal for Exclaim! Being someone that has read and written tour journals before, I know how boring and shitty they are, seriously, reading some bands shitty tour journal is about as exciting as flipping through the 5 years old Cosmopolitan magazines at the dentist. I’ll sum up 99.9% of band tour journals now:
- “Long drive, we just got to the venue and no one is here yet.” (And no one ever will be)
- “Played an awesome show and sold a lot of merch.” (Shut the fuck up)
- “Played with some great bands.” (insert cool bands to name drop here)
- “Just partied at some girl’s house. We smoked crack and she gave our drummer a blowjob.” (More like some crack head let you sleep on his dog shit covered floor, didn’t give you any crack and then gave your drummer a blowjob)
BBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOORRRRRRRIIIIIINNNNGGGGGG… Well, I can’t promise you that this tour journal will be any better, most likely it’ll be worse. But I can promise you 3 things:
1. I won’t spell check anything. ( I can’t spell, so this will add some sort of entertainment.)
2. I will only write while I’m totally wasted or totally sober, never ‘buzzed’. So this will in no way be an enjoyable experience for me, which should make it even less enjoyable for you.
3. All content will be truthful and awesome; anything I might accidentally make up will be only because it’s too awesome to not be the truth.
4. I promise nothing.
Let the adventure BEGIN!!!!!!
Watch this space for the band’s first post!