When I woke up this morning I felt sick to my stomach just thinking about how I was going to have to write a tour journal for Exclaim! Being someone that has read and written tour journals before, I know how boring and shitty they are, seriously, reading some bands shitty tour journal is about as exciting as flipping through the 5 years old Cosmopolitan magazines at the dentist. I’ll sum up 99.9% of band tour journals now:
- “Long drive, we just got to the venue and no one is here yet.” (And no one ever will be)
- “Played an awesome show and sold a lot of merch.” (Shut the fuck up)
- “Played with some great bands.” (insert cool bands to name drop here)
- “Just partied at some girl’s house. We smoked crack and she gave our drummer a blowjob.” (More like some crack head let you sleep on his dog shit covered floor, didn’t give you any crack and then gave your drummer a blowjob)
BBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOORRRRRRRIIIIIINNNNGGGGGG… Well, I can’t promise you that this tour journal will be any better, most likely it’ll be worse. But I can promise you 3 things:
1. I won’t spell check anything. ( I can’t spell, so this will add some sort of entertainment.)
2. I will only write while I’m totally wasted or totally sober, never ‘buzzed’. So this will in no way be an enjoyable experience for me, which should make it even less enjoyable for you.
3. All content will be truthful and awesome; anything I might accidentally make up will be only because it’s too awesome to not be the truth.
4. I promise nothing.
Let the adventure BEGIN!!!!!!