Day 30 – All things must come to a horrifically depressing end.

First off, I would like to apologize to all of our French readers for my last blog entry. It wasn’t my idea, but the head honchos at Exclaim magazine demanded bilingual content and I had no choice but to do my best to appease them.

I have been home from tour for about 20 days now, and even though that seems like a long time, you would surprised at how much has actually happened! Due to the overwhelming success of this tour blog, I have been asked to take part in the writing of a book about Canada and the world for Oxford University.  I’m sure this will lead to great things, like maybe a Jägermeister endorsement or a tour blog on the Decibel Magazine web-site. Who knows…. But I do know that I’ll leave you with excerpts from my interview with Professor Patrick James taken from my upcoming book “Canada and The World”.

Oh, and how did the tour go? Who fucking cares. Only an asshole reads a tour blog to see how well or badly a tour is going.

Dr. Professor Patrick James‘ interview with Professor Dr. Topon Das – a meeting of the minds.

Professor James: Please describe yourself in the following way: Name, decade of birth (year, if you don’t mind), city and province you live in, how many years you have been there, last school degree, occupation.

Professor Das: My name is Topon Anderson Joseph Das. I was born on October 13th 1975 and have lived in Ottawa, ON for the past 8 years. I have my masters in Physics and I work at Tim Horton’s.

Professor James: What do the words ‘Canada’ and ‘Canadian’ mean to you?

Professor Das: Not much; when I see Canada I think ‘Hey! I live there.’ and when I hear Canadian, I think of French people talking about Montreal’s NHL team.

Professor James: Are there uniquely Canadian traits and/or contributions to the world?

Professor Das:
-    We did or should have invented donuts
-    We play hockey because we suck at every other real sport.
-    We have way too many Tim Horton’s
-    We like thinking we’re special or at least not ‘Americans’
-    We include ‘Eh!’ & ‘Fuck’ in every sentence.

Professor James: What are you most proud of, and most embarrassed about, respectively, as a Canadian?  Please explain why in each instance.  Feel free to offer people as examples of those who make you feel either way, i.e., people who embody the best or worst that the country has to offer.

Professor Das: I’m most proud of ‘Strange Brew’ & ‘Kids In The Hall’. Most embarrassed by ‘This Hour Has 22 minutes’ & ‘Royal Canadian Air Farce’. No explanation necessary. If you disagree, you are what’s wrong with Canada (or whatever country you live in).

Professor JamesHow do you feel about the US?  What should Canada’s relationship be with that country?

Professor Das: The US has shitty places and shitty people just like Canada. I’ve had some of the best times of my life in the US and some of my worst moments in Canada. For me there’s no difference besides the obvious. People that like their country the best have never left their living room. I would love to see the border taken down, actually all borders for that matter.

Professor James: What do you think of Canada’s involvement in Afghanistan?  Has this been a good or bad idea and under what conditions, if any, should it continue?

Professor Das: I don’t follow politics.

Professor James: What should Canada’s role be vis-à-vis climate change?

Professor Das: Make this country warm 12 months of the year. I don’t care what it takes.

Professor James: Does Canada have any special role to play with regard to the developing world?  How about Canada and the UN?

Professor Das: I don’t follow politics. Canada should be more focused on making donut bags that don’t stick to the top of your Boston Cream; that shit fucking sucks.

Professor James: What do you think of the issue of deficit spending?

Professor Das: If I knew what it was, it would probably piss me off. I don’t follow politics.

Professor James: Please comment further on any issues that you believe have been neglected here regarding the identity of Canada and its role in the world today.

Professor Das: I think we’ve pretty much covered everything. Thank you.

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